chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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