Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
