my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
