Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
