worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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