im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
