I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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