My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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