just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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