I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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