just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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