In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
