Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
