Will you blow on my dice?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
