hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
