I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
