No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
