70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
