i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
All I want is dick and wine.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
