You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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