What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
