I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
