remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
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I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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