Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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