She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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