i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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