um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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