if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
