i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
NoShamevember. You game?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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