I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
me + whiskey = a bad person
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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