my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
