Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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