1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
