new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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