so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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