is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have feelings that need drinking.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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