my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
