well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
