R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
