Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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