it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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