there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I lost the right to judge tonight
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
