last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
