Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
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I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Holy sore nipples Batman
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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