meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
