I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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