I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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