My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
There's even glitter on my cock...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
