I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
