Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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