My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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