isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
