She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
