my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
