Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
