I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
