Someone shit on the floor
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
