After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
