I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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