I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
