one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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